I have struggled with deep depression for most of my life.
I always felt I had a mission and I always felt I was falling short.
I judged myself mercilessly. I was never enough. Going to bed at night meant facing the flaws and faults I hadn’t been able to erase or overcome in the day.
Waking up in the morning, before I even got out of bed I was already exhausted just from last night’s list and the thought of the struggle of the coming day?
When life feels like some endless set of trials and tests, standards and measurements that are out of reach it is depressing, and can make you wonder what is the point. I often wondered why would I want to stay. I often didn’t have a good answer.
This was true for me for many years. Even as a seven year old I felt I wasn’t good enough, strong enough, didn’t fit with others and didn’t measure up for myself
It took many years of counseling, personal growth, anti-depressants and love to keep my head above those murky waters. I managed. Still there was something crucial missing. I didn’t really trust myself, I didn’t really like myself.
With years of therapy I figured I “knew” myself right? Not exactly.
Without liking and trusting myself – first – what I “knew” to be true about myself was that I wasn’t okay as is. I was always training and straining with programs and protocols and trainings in order to wrestle and subdue my unruly, emotional, sensitive, imperfect self into someone I judged to be acceptable. I “knew” I had to figure out once and for all how to stop being so stubborn and unmanageable and fit myself into one of the available, acceptable boxes or slots- in life, in work, in love. There is no self-respect in that and it didn’t work very well. I continued to be unruly, dissatisfied and rebellious but I didn’t like myself any better for it.
A pivotal moment in turning this around was listening to an interview with Veronica Torres channelling Eloheim – a being of love and light with lots of wisdom, insight to share. They offered many useful tools but what really caught my attention was when they explained they have ONE RULE for us humans: Don’t be mean to yourself.
I took this as a personal directive and this required looking at myself in a different, gentler way. It required self-acceptance.
As I gave up trying to squeeze and fit myself into a certain pre-determined shape in the world I was able to see how the world and I fit naturally together. I saw my Self as one puzzle piece in the vast ever-changing picture and I began to understand that in order to be the necessary part of the bigger picture I had to be me. And from that perspective I could see, nothing is wrong.
I continued to soften toward myself, appreciate my authentic self and express my truth with others. More and more I was seen and recognized by people who got me, who understood and had similar journeys of their own to tell. Some people found courage to in my willingness to risk and I had a new found respect for my own journey and the piece of the puzzle that I am.
And one day I reflected on how far I have come with all of that and here’s what came through to be shared.
The empowering truth as told to myself, by myself:
You are not broken, you are not wrong, you are not a misfit – there is no “fit” to fit into – there is only you being the very you’est of you.
You did not come here to get fixed – you are not broken.
You did not come here, again, to be punished for screwing up the last go round.
You did not come here to be challenged and given lessons until you learn enough to finally get out of here.
You came here to BE here. You came here to be You. Be Here As You Are Now
If you would like to work with me and get training and support for you journey find out more HERE
Einstein said the most important thing is to decide whether this universe is benevolent or hostile.
That goes for the world “out there” as well as my inner world.
I’ve tried the hostile version. It was tight and uncomfortable , existence felt harsh and unforgiving.
Now I live in the benevolent universe where I treat myself with kindness, appreciation and respect. I view my life as an adventure best experienced in the present moment met with wonder and curiosity and neutrality. I am a chooser in how I experience what life flows to and through me.